Thwarted

It is already October and I didn’t get a single thing done on my land!  That’s not entirely true, when I think back over the summer I spent $3,000 on a driveway near the top of the field where there is an actual view of a mountaintop (and where my eventual small home will be).  I also had the camper moved, leveled and roof sealed.  I mowed a couple times and had the entire field cut by my 90 year old neighbor.  I was also able to sell some stone’s from my big stone pile, but that’s it.  I dreamed of cutting down trees and brush, having multiple bonfire parties with ample wine and beer, camping, resting and enjoying the peaceful solitude of the country.

I try to stay positive, it is far more of a struggle for me at this stage in my life than I would like it to be.  I try to dream and visualize my eventual future, I try to truly believe my dreams will come true but I see all the work ahead and wonder how it’s possible.  It seems far more likely that I will stay miserable and poor.  Arguments with my husband about money and where we should live happen daily.  I hate living in our current house for multiple reasons and the idea of remaining here for years and years makes me physically ill.  I try so many techniques to help myself feel happy about the house, one of the most used is my self-shaming technique.  I tell myself how lucky I am to have shelter, heat, running water and electricity.  How many people go without such luxuries how spoiled am I to complain about anything.  The self-shaming works for a moment, but it doesn’t feel good.  How often we are judged and criticized by others, our inner self should be loving and kind, especially because that is sometimes the only “person” you can count on to be loving and kind.  Message for the day, love who you are and who you will be and be kind and gentle to yourself.

Here are a few fall pictures of the land and camper:

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Mindfulness?

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Today is not such a great day.  The temperature is 11 degrees outside and the house seems so dark to me today.  The baby slept even worse than usual with a nasty new cold he caught from his big sister.  I’m anxious to move on with my plans for spring, chomping at the bit, but alas mountains of ice- snow still need melting (which doesn’t happen on frigid days).

I have decided to to rent out my “shed” on airBnB.  I’ve been doing research about that and I find it perplexing that you don’t really have to do the “B”, breakfast.  In fact some might say it’s debatable whether you have to do the “B” as in bed!  What ever you offer on airBnB, however, is submitted to the IRS so you must be ready to pay taxes on your rental income.  I think I have decided to take out the cheap and very uncomfortable sleeper sofa in the shed and put in a real queen sized bed, even if it takes up crucial space in that 12 X 16 room having a super comfortable bed to sleep in is critical when you’re paying money for accommodations.  I am very optimistic that I can get $50 to $65 per night and this is something I can do with the kids around, even with the baby in tow.  If this goes well this summer I will rent out the house next summer.  I have almost convinced Denis that this would be a grand way to make easy money.  If I really work hard on the land this summer by next summer we could experiment with living out there the whole summer and renting the house out to vacationers as well as the “shed”.  If I could start making a bit of money I could even afford to put a rustic camp on the land instead of the camper.

This is all I can really do right now, sit with my thoughts and ponder different possibilities. The day seems endless.  I’m hoping the eventual warming and the marker of spring coming tomorrow can lift my spirits up, I’m ashamed of how depressed I have gotten this winter.  The endless cycle of guilt, food, weight, shame and then more guilt.  I so hope for a tiny bit of motivation or spark to ignite this dull soul of mine, it might be the spring breeze will do it.  I also think the possibility of making some money has lifted my spirits a bit, I could hire some help with the baby and get work done on the land.  I like the heavy lifting under a blazing August sun.  I want to sweat and use the field trimmer and chainsaw.  I want to attack the bramble and burn brush.  Mostly I want to have a moment to do something besides wipe a snotty nose and read wheels on the bus for the umpteenth time.  I want to lose myself in the work of something meaningful.  I’m embarrassed that I don’t find it in being a mother and wife, but I just don’t. I can add that to my ever growing to do list:  Be a spiritually present mother.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200810/the-art-now-six-steps-living-in-the-moment

The Art of Now: Six Steps to Living in the Moment

We live in the age of distraction. Yet one of life’s sharpest paradoxes is that your brightest future hinges on your ability to pay attention to the present.

Tired

My mother would say, “Henry, smile!
why don’t you ever smile?”

and then she would smile, to show me how, and it was the
saddest smile I ever saw”
Charles Bukowski

I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in over 2 ½ years.  I’m beyond tired.  The exhaustion has seeped so deep into my body that even my soul is worn out.  I’m a zombie, a “mombie”.  I knew being a mother would be tough, but when I set out on this journey 11 years ago I really had no idea.  There isn’t one moment to exhale.  Most days I get through life living in my fantasy world.  In this world I am old and my kids are grown, I sleep a deep and restful sleep under warm blankets.  I get up early and sip coffee on the porch gazing at the beautiful morning light and listening to the singing birds (it’s also endless summer in this world).  In this world I have finally achieved health and fitness and eat only organic enriching meals.  I have reversed the signs of age and though I’m 62 I have the health and vitality of 22, because of this I have limitless energy.  I jog, hike, travel and meditate.  Mostly I enjoy sleep.  I take naps if I want.  I have deep and wonderful conversations, I can string a coherent sentence together, finally!  I have restored a glorious vintage airstream and I follow the sun during the Winter months and live a spiritual, meaningful life full of happiness and joy.

I’m not sure how psychologically healthy it is to spend so much time in a fantasy world, I do try to enjoy the present.  I try to find the joy in the endless menial and monotonous tasks I do for others.  I try to appreciate going without a shower having dirty hair, how much more invigorating a shower feels when you truly need it!  I try so hard to look for the happiness in shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, diapering, nursing, driving everyone everywhere, hearing the screaming, fighting, the endless picking up and sorting of boots, toys, socks, wrappers, glasses everywhere (despite my efforts of  the 1 drinking glass per day rule!).  I am outnumbered, depleted, overtired, poor, depressed and unkempt.  Not the picture of motherhood I envisioned.

I really want to get it together!  I want to find a balance in my life, I want to exist here too. I want to create something for myself, all this doing for others has left nothing for myself.  Part of my plan for happiness and joy will be found on the land I have and camper I’m restoring, I try to stay excited for that though I fear where the time will come from?  I literally have difficulty finding time to pour myself a glass of water or take my vitamins.  I must be a crazy lady to think I can tackle this land and camper project by myself with 3 kids in tow.  All I know is I will.  I can.  I must.  I need to live this life, probably the one and only life I will ever have for myself.  I need to keep dreaming and hoping.

Today I am tired.  I will probably be tired tomorrow.  One thing is certain, time marches on and if I continue to seek out happiness and joy I will find it.  I will find home.

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